I like the message the Calvin sticker sends: “I am childish but have an old man’s bladder.”

Fun Blackbeard fact: he actually spent some time in Philadelphia. It’s not known whether he preferred Pat’s or Geno’s steaks.

I’m a school bus driver and I have one total moron of a coworker who thinks we should all carry guns to protect the buses. He specifically wants to have his AR15 with him, with its magical 40-round mags like that would make the slightest fucking difference after somebody starts off their assault by blasting the driver’s seat. I’ve been pretending I agree with him and encouraging him to suggest this to our (very liberal) school board - since he’s above me on the seniority list.

The fact that you used the word “Cringe” means the song probably came out before you were born.

Ha ha, I never actually ever paid attention to the lyrics all the way through. The last rap by Bush I is awesome.

Does anyone ever think the guys with anything at all like that on their clothing have forgotten how to be violent?

I don’t think he’s forgotten - I think he’s old and fat and has mostly lost the ability to be violent, except maybe to his wife. A young, fit man would beat the shit out of him and he knows it. IMHO that’s a big reason gun nuts are so into their guns, because it compensates for their physical weakness.

Excuse me - I was speaking as if I were Trump.

They just have to say that as long as you haven’t served two consecutive terms you’re still eligible.

Ronald Reagan had full-blown Alzheimer’s disease through his entire second term and yet Republicans kept control of the White House through 1992. Dementia is no obstacle when the guy at the top is a show pony anyway.

“There are, there are methods which you could do it, as you know,”

“There are, there are methods by which you could shoot someone on Fifth Avenue and get away with it scott free, as you know.” In fact I don’t know.

Remember when they had Stephen Colbert roast GW during the dinner? That was peak comedy.

The best part is that they only invited Colbert because they didn’t realize his character on The Colbert Report was a parody of right-wing pundits.

But it snowed this winter! Once!

I’m a school bus driver and I have a coworker who is an avid climate-change denier. Here is an example of how stupid she is: she needed to borrow my bus for a run and I had it chocked. Since the chock was wedged solid under my front wheel, she decided she needed to use the crowbar to get it loose and tore the fuck out of it (and my front tire) in the process. It never occurred to her to start the bus and back up to free the chock.

She also 1) hates immigrants because they’re unvaccinated and “spread disease”, and 2) is anti-vax. I could never make this shit up in a million years. If you have children, consider that a lot of the people driving them to and from school are exactly this fucking stupid.

Admit it but say it isn’t a big deal, but also deny that it ever happened. Let your followers pick whichever version they prefer. Profit!

Larry David and Bernie Sanders are actually cousins. They got hooked up on that PBS show sponsored by Ancestry.com.

the exhumed corpse of Jack Lemmon as Joe Biden

He’ll finally get that third Oscar!

What’s gone stop him from sending his goons to arrest political opponents?

The fact that his political opponents are already toothless.

Bend It (Reality) Like Beckham

Lenin was not shy about having people taken out back and shot. He just died before he had the chance to do it on the scale that Stalin later achieved.

Fun random Lenin fact: Russia never had a tradition of preserving and mummifying the corpses of their Tsars and religious leaders. Lenin (d. 1924) was “mummified” (in a truly amateurish fashion) because of the worldwide popularity of Tutankhamun, whose tomb had been discovered by Howard Carter in 1922.

Another fun random Lenin fact: Vladimir Putin’s grandfather was Lenin’s chef.

the guy that hasn’t been at the head of a profitable business in his entire life

This is libelous. He’s been extremely successful at laundering Russian money.

Liberals’ tears!

The amazing thing about this is that Americans who travel are on average a lot more open-minded and intelligent than those who don’t. And we still make a terrible impression.