Not with the current price of eggs

Look, they aren’t doing anything, I should cut their funding…oh shit that wasn’t good. I guess I’ll spend a third of our taxes on this.

I’m going to make a list of people that don’t like me.

1. Myself
2. Mechanics, because I learned “this one simple trick”

That’s enough for today.

My favorite is finding them in the bathroom at 2am with my foot

My watch says I got 3.5 hours of sleep and 5682 steps last night

Welp, my foot is asleep and the automatic lights are off. Time to get up.

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Today’s kids are so weak. Not me, I work a 60 hr week and drink a 12 pack a night. That’s it. Maybe grill on the 4th.

Do you still have to say “snoodle snoodle”?

I hate eating the same thing every day, but it does work.

“honey, today’s your last day of work. Then it’s just you and me 24hrs a day.”

Operation failed successfully

Meme coin goes badly? How did I not see this coming?

The following states never expanded Medicaid.

Alabama, Florida, Georgia, Kansas, Mississippi, South Carolina, Tennessee, Texas, Wisconsin, and Wyoming

If anyone was confused why some very red states weren’t on the list

Maybe my wife will buy it for her boyfriend

What about Greenland? Don’t let that dream die, Donny!

I use an app called Tessie. It’s $5 a month for the rest of my life but i do like it . Keeps track of battery usage, trips, and links to Alexa.

My uncle was a professor at MIT

She made the mistake of knowing her neighbors. It could have been a Trick-Or-Treater or an uber eats driver and she would be okay.