z500

Sounds like the XY problem

Monkey’s paw: your teeth would also be as sensitive as the head of a penis

I’m already 2 years older than Mozart was when he died, the fuck am I even doing with my life

This reminds me of how I used to eat a spoonful of chunky peanut butter and then add a glug of maple syrup

I can believe it when we can barely manage to spot an asteroid heading in our direction before it’s basically whizzing past us

But I can still keep the dinosaur, right?

Gussy

Damn dude, save some pussy for the rest of us

About 10 years ago someone actually burned to death from static discharge at a gas pump like 2 miles down the road from my house. It’s extremely rare, but it does happen.

“You guys are still staffing window 1?”

Thank

I’m sorry your ice cream doesn’t have any sugar in it

Nice, very trochaic

If your girl wears a pickelhaube and united the German states, that’s not your girl

12/10

You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like

Normalize constructing an ominous orb completely out of obsidian and placing it in the San Francisco Bay.

Similar to hump-catting

Harambe’s death was the nexus connecting all timelines

I’ve found my people

Apparently I spin clockwise in bed because my pajamas are always all the way to the left when I wake up