I’m 31, my husband is 51, and lately I’ve been feeling some baby fever. For the record, kids aren’t a must for me, I’m genuinely happy with or without them, but I think it would be nice to experience that journey. My husband is hesitant, though. Even though he’s very healthy, active, and energetic, he feels like having a child in his 50s might be too late. He also already has a 27-year-old son, and he worries that the big age gap between siblings would feel strange.
I guess I’m just looking to hear what others think about this situation.
When I think of older men having kids I mostly think of how unfortunate it is for the kid.
By the time your kid is 20 his dad will be 72, which would me like, on average he might get 5 more years of having a dad. If he’s lucky maybe 10-15.
Sorry to be macabre but it is something to consider.
The flip side of that is the 51 year old will have the time patience and resources to give the child a great upbringing.
Almost 50, I could not imagine exerting the effort it took to get my now teenage sons parented properly.
It takes so much time, energy and patience and you dont really get more of those as you age.
Then the kid has to explain their old dad to friends and tell everyone that he is not the grampa.
Old dad also won’t necessarily have a lot in common with other parents that are 20 years younger, so those interactions will be very odd.
Old dad ain’t gonna be able to keep up at the amusement park or zoo. He isn’t going to want to sleep in a tent because his back hurts and he has to piss four times a night. Even if he can, it won’t be pleasant.
I am watching my in laws do this, they started at 40. It does not look fun and neither of them will play with the kids much. Little kids need active play, they need to be chased, wrestled with, tickled and tossed in the air. My in laws just keep telling their hyper daughter to just chill out all the time. It doesn’t work and she is perpetually frustrated.
Tl,dr y’all too old.
Doubt.
Maybe 20 years ago.
should
Other elephant in the room is how healthy is the dad? A super motivated, athletic and engaged older dad is still better than an uninterested, over weight, young dad.
In my opinion over 50 is too old. I don’t have a hard cutoff but I think I would place it somewhere around early 40s.
Some of my reasons are very subjective. My best memories of my childhood with my parents are of active stuff – camping trips, exploring rivers, kayaking. My parents are still very active in their late 60s but I can’t imagine them doing a lot of the stuff we did back then. At least not in the same way.
Also I hate seeing my parents age. It was fine until their early 60s, they were also still very healthy and energetic in their 50s. But now I am often reminded that our time together is limited. I would have hated to deal with that as a child or teenager.
I know it’s very possible for a child to have a happy life with an older parent, possibly happier than many other children. But I personally would hate to have one and think it’s a bit selfish to consciously choose it.
Also I hate seeing my parents age.
It’s a weird feeling when you look at them and recognize them looking like your grandparents for the first time.
I don’t really have many memory of my grandparents. One of my grandfathers I never met because he too was an old father and died years before I was born. My other grandparents died rather young when I was still little. All of this likely adds to my bias.
Believe me it sucks from the other side as well. It’s bad enough that I have white hair but I also can no longer be “the guy”. I may no longer be up for the hike, the sport, the long drive. My knees are bad enough so it’s difficult to get on the ground to play. I stiffen up in a long video game session. It’s much harder to find the energy.
My kids grew up just in time. But my littlest one got up at dawn today, hiked up a mountain and sent back picture of his university as a faint dot in the distance. That used to be me, and I hope I’m part of his inspiration but can no longer join him.
This summer for the first time I took a hike that was too much. We hadn’t planned for the heat or sufficient water. It’s bad enough that I had to sit and send him for the car, but that bastard was perfectly fine so he ran the remaining two miles to the car. Since then he’s been overly worried about me. I’m supposed to be the one worried about him
My dad was 47 when I was born and he always said he was too old to become a father that late. Also in my view, he was too old. There is a generational gap between us that just can’t be bridged (he was born during WW2, I am a millennial).
We never understood each others worlds. It does not mean we did not have a good relationship and this is highly individual and subjective. People called him my grandpa when I was a kid (I didn’t care). The only thing that is brutal, is him dying too soon. I am very glad he is still around with 80+ and I had the opportunity to graduate and standing on my own feet. But I know it will happen very soon and I feel he should be around for longer. It’s unlucky he will never be a grandfather to the child I haven’t even had time to plan yet.First: You shouldn’t care about what others think.
I can understand why your husband thinks it’s too late for him. I am also in my 50’s and my daughter has a 6 months old son and I could never do that again. It’s not just now but if that newborn is 20 your husband is 71.
Forget ‘if you’re this old your kid is this old’. Older men produce subpar sperm that can cause birth defects, pre-eclampsia and premature birth. It’s not just dangerous for the child but for the mother too.
How is no one else bringing this up?
I think this is highly individual. I had my latest at 37 and I knew that I wouldd not want any later than that. Unsure if it was due to age or the fact that I have four kids, though.
My father was 41 when I was born and just from my personal experience I wouldn’t do that to a child. My father was very active and played sports regularly, but still when I was in elementary school he was already too old for many things. Accidents happened and at that age the body doesn’t really heal well from injuries. His back hurt too much to pick me up, no riding in daddy’s shoulders. A lot of “Please be more quiet”, “Don’t be so wild” etc in my childhood. I always resented that, because I saw other dads being very active and going out, playing, running with their kids the same age as me. No matter how active your husband is now, his body won’t tolerate injuries or sleep deprivation as much anymore.
When I went to university my parents told me they wouldn’t be able to support me as much as my older brother, because my father was retiring soon. Have you thought of the financial aspects? If your husband retires around 65, your child will be in his early teens. Will you be able to provide money for school trips, college funds etc.?
You also have a high chance of any health related problem quickly becoming exponentially worse with age. As I said, my father was very active and played in a local basketball team. He had a knee injury and needed surgery when he was around 50, so I was still in elementary school. It was a minor surgery and would have been no problem for someone younger, but at his age it never fully healed and kicked off a lot of related health issues. He visibly deteriorated after that and within 10 years he became slower in moving and thinking. He was still as active as possible, but that wasn’t very much. Being a teenager whose father always demanded peace and quiet, who needed things to be repeated several times because his hearing was failing, wasn’t very fun.
You will deprive your child of a lot. Their father won’t be there for them in many key ways that other parents are: he’ll be too old to help with moving to the first appartment, too out of touch and tired when the question of buying the first car comes up. There’s a good chance he won’t be there anymore for the wedding. And you aren’t doing yourself a favor either when you’re going to have to take care of an aging husband and a young adult who just left the nest and still needs support in your 50s.
And all that is if you can get pregnant quickly, which is also getting unlikely given his age.
I don’t think your issue is age, it’s more motivation. You may have some ‘baby fever’ but also so say you don’t care one way or another and your husband is at least mildly against. Those are the best reasons why you should not consider children. If you BOTH were really excited to have a child and willing to make whatever changes necessary to have that child, your current ages wouldn’t be a problem.
How is age not a problem? I went to school with a guy who’s parents were 65-ish when we were 14. He was completely alienated from the rest of us. When we talked about playstation games we liked, he just stood around awkwardly, because he only got wooden toys to play with. While my dad wasn’t super active either, i did see him run at least abd we did some stuff together.
There are plenty of crunchy granola moms who only let their kids play with wooden toys, regardless of age. Yes, your parents’ generation does affect your upbringing, but it sounds like your buddy had unusual parents regardless of age.
LOL. Do you really think 65 year olds can’t ask their kids what they want to play with?
Parents of any age can be dickheads.
Adopt an older child if you do want to raise a kid but are worried about ages?
If you’re expected to die before your kid turns 30-35, you’re too old.
So if life expectancy of your husband (factoring in your genetics and family medical history) is, say 81 or older, then sure, go ahead.
As for your age (maternal age), it generally should not be older than 40, and optimally younder then 35, so you’re at the right age. (Because older women tend to have children with developmental issues, biologically speaking)
He also already has a 27-year-old son, and he worries that the big age gap between siblings would feel strange.
Um yea this is not optimal… my older brother is only like 5 years older and we already have a lot of problems. 👀
The childrens’ age gap seems like a non-issue to me. Older brother would just take on a sort of uncle role. I know several people with large gaps in their siblings ages, and while they don’t have the traditional sibling bond, they don’t harbor any ill will towards their siblings either.
Yeah, a 5-10 year gap might be the biggest danger zone. Too far to play together, too close to not both be “the kids”. And then it varies just by what kind of people they both turn out to be.
I have a gap with my sibling of about 9 years apart. We get along fine
Eh. My parents are really old and im youngish. It kind of sucks. I wouldn’t do it
The minute you have kids it’s no longer about you and your journey and it’s all about them. There are enough humans already.
Ew.
Which part? I agree with both. If you decide to have a kid, you should do your best to be there for them and help them be the best that they can be. You don’t really get to stay in bed late anymore if the kid is hungry. You have to do what’s best for them, not what you want anymore.
As for the “too many humans” part, I don’t really feel ready for a kid but if I were, I’d rather adopt. I don’t need the kid to look like me and that way you make the world a little better.
The anti-natalism is the part I think is gross. Not only is it bad science, but it’s fuelling extremism such as the bombing of fertility clinics. There’s a difference between saying “I’d prefer to adopt” and “There are enough humans already”.
Okay, yeah, I see what you mean. I was thinking on the scale of this thread not the whole sociological perspective. And you’re right, they were probably not thinking of adoption like I was. Altho to link it to a guy who endorses the forced extinction of all life on Earth is a bit of a stretch, imo. Those people don’t care about overpopulation… they would think that even if there were only 100 million of us on earth.
There’s a difference between saying that more people should use contraceptives and promoting genocide, imo.
I just think it speaks to a pervasive and anti-science opinion that’s taken over what are otherwise progressive spaces. Even in the replies to my comment someone is conflating my opinion with being fine with climate change and mass extinctions. Anti-natalism is also often tied to racism. Or has foundations in the capitalist status quo, excusing food wastage, like we don’t have more than enough land to feed everyone on the planet while people starve.
Yeah, that’s fair. We need better education across the board. Should be everyone’s main focus.
@[email protected] @[email protected]
The second a human is brought to this world, they got “duties” imposed unto them. Duties to solve problems they never asked, such as their own survival.
While they’re still a kid, if lucky enough, they’ll be sustained by those who are parenting them. As soon as they inevitably get to their adulthood, they’ll begin to be on their own.
So, supposing they want to eat (after all, we all know how “optional” is for living beings to eat, a comfort luxury of sorts), they’ll be required to “purchase” the food, and to achieve this endeavour, they’ll be required to get what humans call as “money”. To get this “money”, they’ll be required to serve someone else, but they’ll need to “apply” for serving. They’ll be required to lie while they apply (if asked “Why do you want to work here?”, answering the obvious “so I can buy food and eat so I don’t die of starvation” is a no-no). If they get “blessed” with a job, they’ll need to continue lying, and if they lie as expected, they’ll afford to get some of the said “money”.
So now they can finally eat food, right? Not so fast: they’ll need to pay the rent, they’ll need to pay the government, they’ll need to pay the corporations (utility bills, internet, etc, because they need those things in order to continue having a job as electricity runs their internet which allows them to use the “money” they were “blessed” with), and only then they can go to a store and hopefully find food to buy with the remaining money (not before paying for getting to the store and paying to pay).
No, they can’t simply hunt-gather like all the other gazillion species in the surface of this Pale Blue Dot: hominids are godlike, we’re not animals, we sent rockets to the space and we invented subscription-based food! So they must “buy” food and “pay” for shelter, they must “belong to” and “serve”, and they must do whatever the society, government and corporations requires them to do.
And they’ll be shrugged off whenever they dare to complain about serfdom: “everyone does this”.
They can’t leave, they can’t opt-out. They’ll be stuck here until Lady Scythebearer inevitably comes, which is often a moment of agony that could’ve been avoided but it wasn’t by those who decided to pull them into existence. They’ll also have similar agony (mourning) as they watch people around them being reaped as well, fearing Her while the society around them exploits their fear, preprogrammed as the deepest of instincts, to keep them serving society, or else… 💀
All this to achieve what, exactly? Human legacy, which will evaporate as soon as the Earth gets engulfed by its own star? Well, maybe humans can prevent Red Giant Sol someday, and with enough human serfdom, Big Freeze can also be prevented so humans can perpetuate their Kafkaesque system.
So yeah, you’re right: it’s really gross to keep someone from having to endure the suffering from a non-consented existence. More cogs to the machine!
They can’t leave, they can’t opt-out.
If you’re going to be this pessimistic about simply existing as a human being, it’s worth noting that this is absolutely false. There are plenty of ways to opt-out permanently, and some of them are even peaceful.
Less darkly, there are communes and mutual aid communities and the like. Some even arguably self-sufficient.
Beyond that, if you truly feel existence is that fucking bleak, do you really think it helps to spread this shit to people who might otherwise be happily ignorant to it? Or are you content just making the collective experience of existence worse by putting this out into the world? Explicitly desiring to bring others down with you into the pit because you haven’t grown enough to find life worth living and enjoying anyway.
there are communes and mutual aid communities
Yes, there are. Yes, they might be nice places for a while. But no, they’re likely to not hold as permanent havens.
Because if you zoom out, you might notice how this world is getting increasingly ominous as the days pass.
First: climate change. There’s nowhere safe in this world from the environmental consequences of Industrial Revolution. Temps have been rising, wet-bulb hot, hurricanes have been getting stronger, sea level rising is risking entire countries, many are trying to flee from coastal places and islands that’ll inevitably get underwater. It’s already happening.
Then, tech. Things are getting more and more reliant on digital walled gardens, and the old ways of doing things (e.g. cash, barter) are getting more and more forgotten and even criminalized.
There’s no way a commune can keep “sovereign” for long under lobbied jurisdictions, except if we’re talking about something akin to a Sealand Principality (good luck trying to keep sovereignty on international waters).
do you really think it helps to spread this shit to people who might otherwise be happily ignorant to it?
Oh, thanks for en-grandeur-ing me, but I’m just nobody, a ghost wandering through this cyberspace. Believe me: my voice is a drop in the ocean. I’m not that important as your phrasing suggest. I’m simply too weird, and my language often feels highly extraterrestrial to anybody. If you see my comment history, you’ll notice this.
Also… on “being happily ignorant to [reality]”. Sometimes I wish I was, I’m quite envious of this ability. It must be nice seeing the world without knowing how our senses deceive us (René Descartes), how people around us uses psychology tricks to pull us into a sticky and hidden spiderweb of social compliance (Derren Brown), how humans are their own wolves (Hobbes), and so on.
But here’s the catch: “Not seeing” and/or “not knowing” doesn’t imply “not happening”. You don’t see your own bodily cells, yet there are countless cells of yours undergoing apoptosis right now as part of natural biology. Reality doesn’t give a nought if we’re unaware of it, it happens nonetheless!
An ostrich can bury its head under the sand the deepest it can, maybe deeper than Mariana Trench, but the rain still falls over it as soon as it starts raining just because “physics” (force of gravity).
And I can’t help but see the storm approaching at the horizon, and it doesn’t look good: from climate change to ever-increasing power grip of Big Techs (to the extent that they now got thousands of those funny chunks of metal flying above our heads everywhere around this globe), all the way to a blatant repetition of the same errors, rehearsing history over and over again, partly due to this exact mentality of “happily ignoring” the surrounding obvieties, so the only thing that we end up learning from history books is that we can’t learn from history books. Yep, ignorance is a bliss!
Look man, I get it. The world is heading to hell in a hand basket, and in a lot of ways accelerating towards it.
But there’s a difference between awareness and… I guess feeling the “doom” of all of it constantly. Existing with that weight constantly pushing down on you. At least part of that is a choice.
Letting the weight of all of this impact you constantly is not a virtue. Do what you can to push back the oncoming waves where you can. Don’t beat yourself up for not being able to hold back everything. And enjoy the joy and beauty where you can find them.
Living your life bent out of shape about things you can’t do anything about is just wasting what little time you have, and wasting time while things are comparatively better than they’re likely to be later.
And I get the need to speak out about all of it. But it doesn’t help. What helps is getting involved with stuff locally, being active in local politics (to a degree, the rot and shitty lying politicians exist on local scales too). Doing what you can. Trying to discard the worry and upset about what you can’t. Try to influence those close to you to do the same.
It could be argued that there are already too many humans
*taps the sign*
Ya but it could be argued that there are too many humans already
Please, do explain the argument then?
My job as a parent is to make sure my kids are healthy, emotionally balanced, and self-sufficient around the age of 18. With the understanding that none of that is entirely under my control, and having less and less influence as they get older.
The greatest influence I can have is how I live my life, because actions speak louder than words. That means being healthy, and emotionally balanced, which is clearly not slavishly dedicating my life to someone else.
The philosophy of “live your life for your kids” is more about judging parents when things go awry (often through no specific parenting fault) than offering helpful advice for people trying to parent, and in fact if you try to follow it, it turns out to be very poor advice.
I meant more in the sense that every decision you make needs to at the very least take the kid into consideration. When you have a kid it makes everything more expensive, it changes where and how you go on holiday, it changes where and how you go out to eat, etc. When you change careers you risk leaving a kid homeless, not just yourself. When you move to a different country you’re forcing that kid to adapt, not just yourself. Etc.
And that is pretty much all true to an extent. It is largely not what I see from folks who say your kids become your whole life. I’m happy to take my kids into account, but I also leave plenty of space to live for me, too.
Though I will say you still have to go on some vacations by yourself because a vacation with kids is anything but a vacation.
Once you have a child you are in the hook for them until the day that you or they die
That’s not the same thing at all. And not really true, either.
If you think there’s a magic age where you shed the responsibility of a child then you shouldn’t have had one. Bringing life into this world is rightfully the most burdensome experience
I have 5 and they are all doing great, thanks, though 2 are still in the house. Burdensome? Fuck people make parenting sound awful. It’s awesome and I love it. Even the parts that are a struggle.
For women there are finite age limitations on giving birth.
When adopting top end is age 60.
With that said, I am pretty much 60, and I have raised a kid, I couldn’t imagine dealing with that shit again.
I loved my kid, Trust me when I tell you raising a kid is so fucking overrated.
On the 27-year-old son issue that won’t mean nothing that basically mean the 27 rule will act as an uncle for the child.
For men there are age limitations too. He’s more likely to produce a child with birth defects and the mother is more likely to suffer from pre-eclampsia and give birth too early. Older fathers are just as much a liability as older mothers.
IMO, you shouldn’t have a child if the thought/feel behind it is “I’m genuinely happy with or without them” regardless. It’s worse than being with someone and thinking “I’m genuinely happy with or without them”, because that person can get another partner but you can’t get a new mom…
I don’t really agree. My mom has pretty much told me she felt similar before having children. She would have been fine not having any. But she’s still a great mom who loves me and my siblings a lot and never regretted having us. I never felt rejected or unloved because of it.
People shouldn’t have children if they don’t want to have any but to me that’s not the same as being fine with both.Well, I guess people change their minds after big things happen, and I assume that, more than “not regretting” having children, what she/you meant was “changed her whole life for the better and gave her life much more meaning”, right? Else, idk, I personally wouldn’t be happy with having such a dispassionate parent, and just “not feeling rejected or unloved”, but being deeply appreciated and loved! But maybe I’m too sensitive and my Latino heart can only conceive “proper parenthood” being one way (although I assume most of the global South would agree with my feelings about it). And yeah, it’s not the same and having children while really not wanting any is insane, but being a parent shouldn’t be something you’re just “meh” about (again, maybe it’s a cultural difference).
Yeah, that’s what I meant. I always felt appreciated, deeply loved and supported.
I suspect we might not actually disagree but just have a different way of expressing what we mean, since we apparently come from different cultural backgrounds. I’m from Germany and I’m told the way we talk about our feelings can sometimes seem dispassionate and cold to others.
It seems like it and, in that case, fantastic, lol. Maybe I was too quick to judge and a little bit silly and the lady in OP might also become a wonderful mom like the one you had, she just hasn’t been one yet! ❤️👋
We have friends with a similar age gap, she is I think 36 and he is 56 now. Their son is 3.5. He also has grown up kids not much younger than his wife. The kid was planned.
It’s hard and he is passing on having another child for age reasons (see below), but their son is great and none of them regret the decision. The dad’s back and knee are bad, so running after their Duracell powered son who looks like Finn from Adventure Time (that hair! Dude is set for life, he’ll make bank as a hair modell) can get difficult. But they manage and are active and a very cute and happy family. Having a kid is always hard and stressful, unless you are a tiktok influencer, then it is the easiest thing you’ve done because it comes so naturally to you /s
As for it “feeling strange”: from my own life experience, things only feel strange if you allow them to feel strange. Everything can be awkward and weird and strange and whatever, or you just decide this is your life and only you get to decide what is and what is not strange.
As for my friends, I think nothing about anything in their life feels weird. She literally lived with her now husband and his son for a while. It was fine. His kids are cool with the younger sibling. They get to choose what is normal. They chose that this is. Their family is. This is their family and their normality.
To add: Having two little kids vs one little kid is a whole different level. He has first hand experience in that, so I don’t think not wanting another kid means he regrets it. Not at all. I think he just realizes that this would be not double as hard but quadruple as hard and he won’t be able to do that. My husband is 35 and cannot imagine having a second child for similar reasons. He just doesn’t have the energy level for another small being - and it will be more than double the energy required, while he couldn’t give an extra 50% even if he wanted to.
So the question is really, how do you feel about it? Do you two have some energy left? Are you ok with taking on the majority of the physical work? Even if your partner is doing fine physically now, he might decline sooner than you think, unexpectedly.
I might add, bluntly: you have already decided that it is ok for you that the likely (if not ideal) outcome of your relationship is that your husband dies much before you. You will likely be a young widow. It might also be that he lives to 100 and you die in a freak accident after reading this. I’m not telling you anything new here. This is just to remind you of your choice and your thoughts on this when you decided to commit to each other. Because a lot of people point out that your kid might not have a dad for long. (Which, yeah, other people lose their parents at a young age too, but having it be more likely is another thing, although, does this mean sick/disabled people with a shortened life span should not have kids either, and then we are in eugenics territory or the antinatalists chime in.)
Anyway, I’ll get a lot of hate in the comments (honestly taking this question to lemmy where a lot of antinatalists are hanging out is crazy) but in my opinion - which must be totally valuable to you lol - I’d go for it. Even if it is hard and you reach your limits, this is such a short time of intense chaos in your life. And then you’ll have a kid. You’ll have experienced this crazy thing. And love and support don’t care for your age. Hugs and kisses are just as heartfelt. Your kid will be just as much of their own person, no matter what age their parents were. We all don’t have a perfect family. But as I mentioned above, normal is what you define is normal. And a perfect and ideal family is whatever you decide it is.
Thank you for reading all of this.
